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People are always fucked up in college.  They stay up all night and then wonder why they can’t just bounce back and be totally productive in class.  Here is a guide to avoid this.

1) Drink water. No, not coffee.  WATER.  It’s the original beverage.  It’s what 2/3s of your body is made up of.  Is your body made up of coffee?  As much as you would like to believe that it is, it is not.  WATER WILL FIX SO MANY OF YOUR PROBLEMS.  It’s harder to fall asleep in class when you have an ice cold Nalgene of water in front of you, forcing you to have to pee every so often.  Keeping hydrated prevents you from being sick, prevents you from being hungry when you’re not (aka when it’s 11 pm and you really want to eat three Easy Macs),  prevents headaches, and just generally makes your body feel better.  Nalgenes in the 1 liter size are my water bottle of choice because two of them equal the standard “8-glasses”-of-water-a-day deal.

2) Go the fuck to sleep. Yeah, it’s college, and your mom isn’t going to tell you to go to sleep, and you have a lot of reading to do, and lol it’s so funny when you don’t sleep and then go to class and can tell everyone you didn’t sleep.  Guess what?  Your body will hate you.  There’s this neat thing called the Sun.  Your body reacts really well to being awake when the Sun is up.  It does not react well to being awake exclusively when the Sun is set.  That’s why a lot of people get really depressed in the winter—because the Sun sets so early, and they want to go to sleep at 6 o’clock, but cannot.  So rather, I should specify—go the fuck to sleep at a decent hour and get up sometime relative to when the sun rises.  Then, if you do end up being overwhelmed by work and have to stay up late, you will be able to fall back into your schedule.

3) For the love of God, EAT. Your body needs food.  Your body needs REAL FOOD.  Not easy mac, not one salad with some honey mustard and three crackers, not pizza all the time (or at all hours of the night).  (And this goes for coffee too.  A cup of coffee≠breakfast.  Never.)  It needs some solid, hearty meals. Vegetables! Whole wheat!  Cheese! Milk! Protein! Bananas! Grapes!  Food will help you stay awake.  Food will help your body not get sick by making it strong.  Your brain likes it when it has nutrients to—Oh, I don’t know—stay alive.

4) Don’t do drugs. Coffee is cool and everything, but even if drink only one cup every day, you’re forcing your body to do things that it doesn’t want to do.  Again—if you do have a night when you have to stay up late, when you decide to get a fresh brew in the morning, it will actually help you wake up.  Coffee will not let you stay awake indefinitely.  Sorry, kids.  Adderall will probably let you stay awake indefinitely, but it will also make you not do number three, so none of that either.  On the flip side, if you’re stressed out, do not drink an entire bottle of raspberry-flavored liquor.  Don’t!  Besides, you are more than likely not 21 and getting caught just is not worth it.  Neither is the hang over which will prevent you from doing all of the first three items on this list.

5) Miscellaneous. Don’t go to Applebee’s for half-priced appetizers three times a week.  Don’t fuck every person you meet who is willing to fuck you too.  Don’t do every quiz on Facebook.  Don’t drink anything with the number 99 in the name.  Don’t watch youTube, in general.  Don’t “pick five” things fifty times.  Don’t do anything associated with Farmville. Don’t go to any sites that involve fucking my life, texting, or viewing photos of the generally unattractive in strange situations.  Instead, do your work.

6) Don’t stress out about your work too much.  “Oh. Em. Gee.  This is probably the worst three-page paper that I have ever written in my life! I’m going to cry for awhile and then e-mail my professor and see if he’ll let me do it over, or perhaps let me do an even harder more extravagant project to make up for the new level of low that I have just reached.”  Whoa!  Well, it might not be a classic essay that should be added to the curriculum, but at least you did it, so stop stressing.  Besides, it’s only worth maybe 5% of your grade.  I’m not saying don’t do your work, but if you keep up on things, you’re allowed to slip up once. Or twice.  Or maybe 10 times.  You’ll probably still get some sweet grades just as long as you’re diligent and punctual.  Work done on time is always better than work done with an extension when you should have been doing other work and now you’re just even further behind.  

7) Hug everyone. It will make everyone much happier.

 

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