OR
Posted in Crisis, Novel class | Tagged novel, randy robertson, salman rushdie, salmon | Leave a Comment »
To: Elizabeth Morris
From: Lazy Eye Press
Subject: Your Submission
Dear Liz Morris,
Congratulations! On behalf of Lazy Eye Press, we would like to inform you that The Girl With Strawberry Hair has been selected as the winner of the poetry chapbook contest. Out of all of the submissions received, the editorial board determined that your piece contained the highest quality of writing and possessed a raw emotional heat. We are honored to share your work with the Susquehanna community.
As a winner of the contest, your work will be published in a chapbook , which will be made available to the university. A launch will be held sometime in the second week of December, at which you will read from your chapbook and your published work will be celebrated.
Once again, congratulations on your success, and thank you for choosing to submit to Lazy Eye Press.
Sincerely,
Laura and Charlotte
Managing Editors, Lazy Eye Press
Lauren won too! I am so excited and happy about this. Especially that I won paired with Lauren.
Posted in Writing | Tagged chapbook, contest, ftw, lazy eye press, the Girl with strawberry hair | 4 Comments »
To: Randy Robertson
From: Elizabeth Morris
Subject: Tweets
Dear Randy,
As I’ve been finding no time to tweet (reading and writing the paper) I did some quick math to try to dissuade you from making us tweet the entire novel.
1) Let’s say we tweet 120 chapters of the 135 chapter (plus extracts and epiloque book.) That’s 240 tweets (serious and funny).
2) Each tweet is 140 characters, or less. However, considering, I’m going to use the max number of characters.
3) That’s 33,600 characters.
4) Let’s say again that each word is about 5 letters. This is generous. That’s 6,720 words.
5) My almost done midterm paper is about 1,720 words. So, to be generous, let’s round up to 2,000 when it’s done.
6) My midterm paper is worth 30% of my grade. You are asking us to tweet a word count equal to more than three midterm paper’s worth. Even if I were to be scant in this final calculation, it would be two midterm paper’s worth.
7) My tweeting is worth a small portion of the 20% of my participation grade.
As you can see, the work you are asking us to do for this is overbearing, considering it’s being assigned during the same two weeks as our midterm paper which is worth a considerably higher percentage. Of course I’m going to give precedence to the reading and the paper over this assignment. I would also like to point out that twitterature is by their definition (which can be redefined at any point, especially considering how new it is) twenty tweets OR LESS per book. Which means that our tweetage could cover 12 books.
I hope this dissuades so I don’t feel guilty if I can never get the assignment done.
All my affections,
Liz
From: Randy Roberston
To: Elizabeth Morris
Subject: re:Tweets
Wow, Ms. Morris, you should be a lawyer. Okay, let’s do this: stick to the original Twitterature formula–20 Tweets, but now over the course of the whole book. That’s still a total of 40 Tweets (20 for the serious version, 20 for the parody), but that should make Liz Morris’s life a lot easier. I’ll announce the changed assignment in class tomorrow; if I forget to do so, please remind me.
All my best,
Randy
Posted in Novel class | Tagged Novel class, randy roberston, twitterature | 1 Comment »
I’ll keep updating this until I get the entire way through. One of each is me seriously trying to summarize it, one is me doing it so that I might vent my frustrations about how terribly angry this all makes me. Not necessarily the fact that dear Randy assigned it so much as that it exists at all. Can you guess which is which?
Though, to be fair, Nadia and I were discussing how this would be a very interesting constraint, if it were done very meticulously. However, I still say that the people who could do this well, the ones who would use it as a wonderful poetic medium, are not the ones who will be making these bastardizations of the books.
Amazon’s reviews of the Twitterture book:
See what I mean?
Extracts
a) Whales are large. Whales are often in literature. Whales are sometimes referred to as leviathans. Whales are very influential and important to this book.
b) Whales are everywhere! The bible! Sea! Songs! Science! As the author I’m surprised no one’s written a book about hunting a whale, as they have so permeated our society!
Chapter 1–Loomings
a) ohai A/s/l? jus call me 1shma3l. u wanna go sailing 4 a wha1e? ;) k c u soon
b) I’m Ishmael. The sea is addictive. I like being a sailor because I get paid to go to sea. I have a huge desire to hunt a very large whale.
Chapter 2–Carpet Bag
a) Packed up some shirts but missed my ship. Looked for an inn. Found the shadiest one-the Spouter Inn. Oh well, I’m poor. Let’s check it out.
b) Missed ship. Was cold. Wandered and wondered. Found the Spouter Inn. Went inside to inquire about a room.
Chapter 3–The Spouter-Inn
a) No rooms? But I don’t wanna share with a harpooner. Yum dumplings. I’ll just sleep on this bench then. Brrr. Fine, I’ll share. GAH CANNIBAL
b) Inn’s perfectly cheap. Ate dinner. No rooms, though. Slept on a bench before deciding to share. My roommate’s a cannibal. Didn’t like that.
Chapter 4–The Counterpane
a) woke up spooning with @Queequeg :) and his tomahawk :( remembered when my step?mom sent me to bed for 16 hrs lol Q got dressed like a weirdo
b) Awoke to @Queequeg’s arm about me and his tomahawk in my side. He became dressed in the rudest fashion.
Chapter 5–Breakfast
a) Sailing men of all sorts were herded like cows into breakfast. @Queequeg harpooned his meat!
b) nomnomnmnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnom breakfast
Chapter 6–The Street
a) Went for a stroll, saw a bunch of characters, from the inexperienced sailor to the weathered man. Beautiful women in New Bedford.
b) Left the inn, saw some peeps, scoped out some hot chicks, off to Chapel.
Chapter 7– The Chapel
a) Our brothers of the sea have died here. With a solemn heart I sat down for the service.
b) Checked out the tombstones, saw @Queequeg hanging out. Let’s get my God on!
Chapter 8–The Pulpit
a) YO THIS CHAPEL IS JUST LIKE A BOAT
b) What a beautiful chapel, it is much like a ship on the sea.
Chapter 9– The Sermon
a) This Jonah shit is fucked. I’m gon’ go kill a whale now.
b) The preacher gave a fantastic sermon about Jonah and sin and ended on his knees.
Chapter 10–A Bosom Friend
a) Queequeg and I decided to be friends for life and bedfellows once more.
b) @Queequeg and I are hetero life partners! sMoKeD up, cuddled. No homo, though.
Chapter 11–Night Gown
a) Queequeg and I continued to chat. Fell asleep, woke up and felt dreadful. Q&I partook in his pipe.
b) @Queequeg and I fucked around for awhile. Woke up really fucked up so we smoked some more.
Chapter 12–Biographical
a) Queequeg told me of his royal hertiage and his advertures at sea. What an experienced and wise man.
b) YO @Queequeg is a fucking kinG! And he knows how to make this shrunken head into a bong lolz
Chapter 13–Wheelbarrow
a) @Queequeg n i rolled down the the docks 2 1/2 deep me him and the wheelbarrow lol got in a scuffle
b) Queequeg and I took a wheelbarrow of our things to the docks. We boarded the ship, Q almost threw someone overboard!
Chapter 14–Nantucket
a) Nothing of mention happened on the voyage. Nantucket is beautiful.
b) boredd ;)
Chapter 15–Chowder
a) We arrived at our inn and was served endless amounts of chowder by our hostess.
b) nomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnom chowder
Chapter 16–The Ship
a) Yojo suggests that I choose the ship. After considering three, I decided upon the Pequod. What characters run that ship!
b) @Yojo told me to find our whale ship. Craigslist ftW!
Chapter 17–Ramadan
a) Queequeg has taken to the most peculiar rest and fast that I have ever encountered. He only just rose today.
b) “Kick in the door, I look on the floor / It’s my bedfellow Queequeg and he’s fastin’ sum mo’” Cannibals ain’t shit
Chapter 18–His Mark
a) I cleverly convinced the captain that Queequeg is indeed Christian! My skill with rhetoric is even impressive to myself today.
b) Pulled a fast one on the captains for @Queequeg. You’re my bro, man!
Chapter 19–The Prophet
a) Met a queer fellow named Elijah. He both followed and annoyed us.
b) Motherfucker tried to slip us up but @Queequeg and I wouldn’t take his shit.
Chapter 20–All Astir
a) Busy on the ship.
b) Yo, shits busy, no time to tweet-haha
Chapter 21–Going Aboard
Posted in Novel class | Tagged randy robertson, moby dick, Novel class, penguin books, herman melville | 3 Comments »
If we are so privileged, why are these things so hard?
This guy.
I’m picking up a philisophy minor ala Kelsey, Wall, and I believe Blankinship?
“We like to have concrete answers, and Shelley provides us with none.”
I think I’m going to write my Novel paper about Hobbes in Frankenstein.
“You
keep talking
about apples
but when I
hand you
one it
doesn’t
even fit
into your
palm.”
Posted in Crisis, Novel class, Reading | Tagged college, Crisis, frankenstein, mary shelley, philosophy, skitolsky, things fall apart, yeats | 4 Comments »
So I started reading Frankenstein and remembered that I hated this book when I read it when I was 17. I’m working on not hating it now, but its hard not to hate a book when some chick just sat around a a fire and got super intoxicated and then wrote all day. That’s impression I got, at least. Maybe I will love it now.
Also, why is Paradise Lost a novel again? I mean, I’m sure it is, or else RR wouldn’t have had us read it, but I’m amazed that no one (including myself) has brought it up yet.
Also, read this and know how hopeless college can make you feel. When really we’re all privileged.
“be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.”
NOTE: This is the movie that my HONORS ENGLISH teacher showed us of Frankenstein. The movie is abotu 10 times as ridiculous as the trailer:
Posted in Crisis, Novel class | Tagged college, frankenstein, malachi black, paradise lost, plato, shelley | 3 Comments »
1) Annie Dillard’s Mornings Like These WHAAAAAT
2) Hey, if you are unsatisfied with the food, don’t tip your waitress 2 dollars (from a gift certificate) on your $50 meal. Because guess what. It’s not my fucking fault that the bun was not to your liking okay? And guess what, motherfuckers–you still ate it without complaint until the end.
3) Writing in Action Day tomorrow.
4) Fiat Ars–Pereat Mundus
5) “Postmen like doctors go from house to house.”
Posted in Crisis, Something Else | Tagged annie dillard, poetry, waitress, writing in action day | 2 Comments »
People are always fucked up in college. They stay up all night and then wonder why they can’t just bounce back and be totally productive in class. Here is a guide to avoid this.
1) Drink water. No, not coffee. WATER. It’s the original beverage. It’s what 2/3s of your body is made up of. Is your body made up of coffee? As much as you would like to believe that it is, it is not. WATER WILL FIX SO MANY OF YOUR PROBLEMS. It’s harder to fall asleep in class when you have an ice cold Nalgene of water in front of you, forcing you to have to pee every so often. Keeping hydrated prevents you from being sick, prevents you from being hungry when you’re not (aka when it’s 11 pm and you really want to eat three Easy Macs), prevents headaches, and just generally makes your body feel better. Nalgenes in the 1 liter size are my water bottle of choice because two of them equal the standard “8-glasses”-of-water-a-day deal.
2) Go the fuck to sleep. Yeah, it’s college, and your mom isn’t going to tell you to go to sleep, and you have a lot of reading to do, and lol it’s so funny when you don’t sleep and then go to class and can tell everyone you didn’t sleep. Guess what? Your body will hate you. There’s this neat thing called the Sun. Your body reacts really well to being awake when the Sun is up. It does not react well to being awake exclusively when the Sun is set. That’s why a lot of people get really depressed in the winter—because the Sun sets so early, and they want to go to sleep at 6 o’clock, but cannot. So rather, I should specify—go the fuck to sleep at a decent hour and get up sometime relative to when the sun rises. Then, if you do end up being overwhelmed by work and have to stay up late, you will be able to fall back into your schedule.
3) For the love of God, EAT. Your body needs food. Your body needs REAL FOOD. Not easy mac, not one salad with some honey mustard and three crackers, not pizza all the time (or at all hours of the night). (And this goes for coffee too. A cup of coffee≠breakfast. Never.) It needs some solid, hearty meals. Vegetables! Whole wheat! Cheese! Milk! Protein! Bananas! Grapes! Food will help you stay awake. Food will help your body not get sick by making it strong. Your brain likes it when it has nutrients to—Oh, I don’t know—stay alive.
4) Don’t do drugs. Coffee is cool and everything, but even if drink only one cup every day, you’re forcing your body to do things that it doesn’t want to do. Again—if you do have a night when you have to stay up late, when you decide to get a fresh brew in the morning, it will actually help you wake up. Coffee will not let you stay awake indefinitely. Sorry, kids. Adderall will probably let you stay awake indefinitely, but it will also make you not do number three, so none of that either. On the flip side, if you’re stressed out, do not drink an entire bottle of raspberry-flavored liquor. Don’t! Besides, you are more than likely not 21 and getting caught just is not worth it. Neither is the hang over which will prevent you from doing all of the first three items on this list.
5) Miscellaneous. Don’t go to Applebee’s for half-priced appetizers three times a week. Don’t fuck every person you meet who is willing to fuck you too. Don’t do every quiz on Facebook. Don’t drink anything with the number 99 in the name. Don’t watch youTube, in general. Don’t “pick five” things fifty times. Don’t do anything associated with Farmville. Don’t go to any sites that involve fucking my life, texting, or viewing photos of the generally unattractive in strange situations. Instead, do your work.
6) Don’t stress out about your work too much. “Oh. Em. Gee. This is probably the worst three-page paper that I have ever written in my life! I’m going to cry for awhile and then e-mail my professor and see if he’ll let me do it over, or perhaps let me do an even harder more extravagant project to make up for the new level of low that I have just reached.” Whoa! Well, it might not be a classic essay that should be added to the curriculum, but at least you did it, so stop stressing. Besides, it’s only worth maybe 5% of your grade. I’m not saying don’t do your work, but if you keep up on things, you’re allowed to slip up once. Or twice. Or maybe 10 times. You’ll probably still get some sweet grades just as long as you’re diligent and punctual. Work done on time is always better than work done with an extension when you should have been doing other work and now you’re just even further behind.
7) Hug everyone. It will make everyone much happier.
Posted in Crisis, Something Else | Tagged alcohol, coffee, Crisis, drugs, eat, facebook, food, hugs, sleep, stress, water, work | 2 Comments »
Posted in Reading, Writing | Tagged susquehanna review, susquehanna university | Leave a Comment »
